The Macy’s Day Parade has jumped the shark… or I should say, jumped the duck. The AFLAC duck that is.
From the moment the over-caffeinated “Today Show” team burst on to my TV screen for this must-see Thanksgiving ritual so began a three-hour parade of promotions for all things NBC, shows, sponsors, Tina Fey.
This has always been part of the parade but now it has become the parade.
Savannah Guthrie, Hoda Kotb and Al Roker wore their best beauty queen smiles as they shilled in the chilled weather for their 30 Rock bosses and their bosses’ bosses—advertisers.
I actually feel a bit sorry for the “Today” crew. After getting up 5 days a week hours before the ass crack of dawn you know they’d rather be home snug in bed waiting for their private chefs to arrive. But, the show must go on.
Here are some of the ridiculous highlights of the Macy’s Day Charade :
1. Acapella stars, “Pentatonix,” perched on the Entenmann’s float surrounded by badly dancing donuts, cupcakes and pastries while they sing the melancholy “Where Are You Christmas?” Sugar and misery, anyone?
2. NBC TV stars’ sharing Thanksgiving memories. Most sounded like auditions for a Nicholas Sparks movie. “I remember Mom (insert sniffle), —when she was with us (insert lip bite, wince) …dropping the turkey when I walked in the door. “Bless the Lord, you’re home! You’re really home!” (insert turkey baster wherever needed, wince.)
3. Diana Ross’ singing wig. Diva Diana’s hair was as big as a float and it kept floating in front of her face. NBC isn’t even sure it was actually Diana Ross. They are suing her wig for fraud.
4. The “Jolly Green Giant” float which was surrounded by grown adults dressed as corn on the cob. Does anyone over the age of four believe these idiots are actually corn?
5. Marching bands SUCK. One band gets the gig. ONE BAND. It would shave a good two hours off of this horror show.
6. Rockettes. It was 19 degrees outside. For the love of God, get those gals’ gams some goddamned leg warmers & play some “Flashdance.” I don’t care what the crazy “leg guys” want.
7. Rita Ora missing her lip sync cue. She was obviously distracted by having to sing “wanting to have slept with you” on the whimsically colorful “Crazy Glue” float.
8. The Today Show’s resident clown, Al Roker, on a motorcycle being chased by real clowns. At this point I took a break to baste the turkey.
9. Back to the fAFLAC duck float. Are you kidding me, NBC? Even the former AFLAC duck, Gilbert Gottfried, would agree this is too much. (Google “Gottfried Tsunami joke” if you need a reference.)
10. The ubiquitous Dwayne Johnson plugging The Titan Games and referring to Thanksgiving as the “ultimate cheat day.” Yes, we love you, Rock, but don’t pass the gluttony guilt. Just pass the goddamned gravy.
The Macy’s Charade 2018. NBC’s most successful comedy.
I can’t wait to watch it again next year.