Sunday, January 6, 2019

Comedy Writer Seeks Job As A Funeral Attendant

While looking for work as a comedy writer, I registered with online job sites “Monster” and “Indeed.” 

The algorithms they use spit out jobs based on my keywords, “Comedy” & “Writer,” that are funnier than most anything I’ve written.

Here is a sampling of some jobs I’m considered qualified to do:

Cafeteria Food Service: As tempting as this one is I just can’t rock that hairnet. 

Low Voltage Technician: Perhaps this is a job requiring me to find fun ways to teach kids why they shouldn’t put a fork in the toaster?

Dermatologist:  Why not? I never went to medical school but I could write funny Excema prescriptions. “Apply cream on the affected area twice daily while patting your head & rubbing your stomach. It won’t cure your rash but it will take your mind off of it for a few minutes. 

US Navy Surface Warfare Officer:  Something tells me these folks found out I dated a Navy Midshipman in the ’70s.  That certainly qualifies me for this job since I was in high school, he was in college, and I wouldn’t let him go below the surface. Guess it was kinda like warfare. 

However, the winner in future job suggestions came from the “Ohio Means Jobs” career assessment questionnaire. According to my answers, I’d make a great “Funeral Attendant.” 

I generally don’t find funerals funny. But I was morbidly curious why I qualify to be a Funeral Attendant. I assumed this job wasn’t for someone who merely attended funerals—like a seat filler at the Emmys. 

I found out that Funeral Attendants are responsible for placing the casket in its proper place; arranging floral offerings or lights around the casket; directing or escorting mourners; closing the casket, and storing funeral equipment.

Nothing about this job involves comedy... or, does it?

Perhaps I could tell jokes about a wailing Italian Grandma trying to climb into Grandpa's casket. Although this might sound like a macabre scene from "The Godfather,"  I actually witnessed this at age nine at my own Grandpa's funeral.   Hmm, "tragedy plus time equals comedy?"  Would have worked in "Moonstruck."

Okay, here's a making funerals funny option! How about me playing "Truth or Dare" with the pallbearers?  TRUTH:  Did you ever get a cramp and drop a casket?"  DARE:  Did you ever think about... (Okay, let's skip this one.)

Finally, how about me as Funeral Attendant who pulls my master "Martha Stewart" impression and loudly berates the Funeral Director for serving stale cookies and lukewarm coffee to the bereaved?  Can't you just hear her screaming, "If this person weren't dead they would be after choking on these expired Chips Ahoy! Or they would have died from the shits after drinking this Folgers crap coffee you're serving. NOT a GOOD THING!"

I'm pretty sure none of the above is going to happen--but you never know.  

Apparently, the only real criteria to be a Funeral Attendant is, ironically, being a warm body.  

Maybe it’s time to reconsider that hair net.  
ID 51445354 © Cory Thoman |

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